If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
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If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Encore…
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.