If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
You Might Also Like
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think