If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
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Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
😭😭😭
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.