if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
You Might Also Like
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Flowers bee like
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved