if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
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There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Hitlers gonna hitl
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?