If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
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HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May