If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
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Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN