If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
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Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Flowers bee like
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.