If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.
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Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem