Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

This billboard speaks to me

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.