If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.
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If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono