Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
I’m that battle for like 3 different people.

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

the clam before the storm

If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.