Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

every man in east london

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.