If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
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[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Put this video in the Louvre
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT