@northcoastkevin

If you wear your jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight.

Follow me for more life pro tips.

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@stephenjmolloy

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

@AngelaEhh

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

@aveuaskew

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

@turbomanatee

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

@hansabumsadaisy

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

@danjan13

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

@jellybnbonanza

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

@jake_likes_naps

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

@WriterLifeCo

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!