DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
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If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.