HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
If you wear your jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight.
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wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!
Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!