Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

😭😭

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

Is fake venison called venisn’t

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me