Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

ㅤ

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.