Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this