Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

My work here is done

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

Breaking news:

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.