If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
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It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.