If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
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Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.