“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
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this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
never ask a starfish for directions
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Love it! 👍😂
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.