Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

me: sorry this place is such a mess

her: it’s my house

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

damn he’s good

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

My new favorite headline