If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
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Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish