If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
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🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling