If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
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Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Just say no
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
🤣
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too