Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.