Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

Me too