If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
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It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough