Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that

BARBER: wow how much did you eat

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded