If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
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Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
murder on the timeline
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*