If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
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You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
