If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

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I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.


A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller


Yesterday Bill Clinton called Hillary, “the ablest person I’ve ever worked with.” Well, I can see why he’s a hit with the ladies.


If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.


Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.


me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy


Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!


accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted


*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir