If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
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FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
i think we should see other cousins
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
so i’m at the stock market right
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.