Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

🐦

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards