if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
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A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.