if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

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[sees a lion and a witch come out of a wardrobe]

Me: what have you been up to in there?

Lion: Narnia business


People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it’s because of all the placenta I’ve been eating.


[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*


Every time you shake hands with a dog u r entering into a dog contract whos stipulations u could never understand


‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’


bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]


Needing to “loose” some weight this year isn’t your biggest problem, my friend.


“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child


My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.


I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal