if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
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“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Bring back the McRib
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.