@markedly

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

You Might Also Like

@ObscureGent

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

@FormerGrunt

Stupidity is dangerous, and thanks to social media we have managed to weaponize it.

@CrystalMoon214

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

@jonnysun

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

@Dildotron

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

@LosLos__

What can I bring to your party?

Friend: A six pack.

[does 10 crunches]

[cancels]

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

@crylenol

Hansel: how are we gonna get home
Gretel: we should leave some sort of trail
Duck: [pitching voice] how about a trail of bread crumbs

@stockejock

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.