if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

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Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix


Stupidity is dangerous, and thanks to social media we have managed to weaponize it.


About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.


*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*


[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now


What can I bring to your party?

Friend: A six pack.

[does 10 crunches]



If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.


Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.


Hansel: how are we gonna get home
Gretel: we should leave some sort of trail
Duck: [pitching voice] how about a trail of bread crumbs


I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.