if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
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running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!