if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
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What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
☠️ ☠️
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
car not found
Des Moines Police having a normal one
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Siri: Retweet me.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here