If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
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Sharon I have some bad news
are there any atheist mantises?
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
Not all heroes wear capes….
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Emma is smarter than all of us.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*