If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
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Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.