If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
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Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
same but as an audience member
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.