Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

I bet

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

Steam Forums

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.