Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.