Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

Based Erika

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.