If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
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Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Hello, my name is Pierre.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.