Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.