if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
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Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Had an epiphany today.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count