if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
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Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game