if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
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I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Saw your ex at the shops
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.