Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.

Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.