Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.