If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
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What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.