If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
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Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Monday
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
