If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
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“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear