If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
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Feel. He’s so soft.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.