If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
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As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?