If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
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Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Bike for sale
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.