Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

This was a bad idea all around

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.