If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
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[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.