If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
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Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Nice try Hitler
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Lmao 🤣
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“