If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
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Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.