If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
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I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
My spirit animal is fried chicken
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy