If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
“That’s what” – She
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
