If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
If my kids invented a drink.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
