If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
lmfao come on
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
